In Dreams and In Pictures
by aroseisarose
Summary: A Carsan....epilogue is now up. Please R&R!!!
1. Bubbas In the Dark

Disclaimer: As much as I wish I did, I don't own ER or any thing related to it. However, if anyone wants to give me Carter for Christmas, I'd be one happy camper…

Authors Note: This is my first ER fan-fiction, so please r&r. Tell me if you want this story to go on, either before or after this point. Thanks! 

John Carter woke up to the cries of his baby. Rolling out of the massive California King sized bed, his golden wedding bad glimmering in the moonlight; he made his way to his daughter's room. It was just down the hall from his, but he ran. There was two-month-old Arianne, screaming in her Peter Cottontail crib. 

"Oh baby what's wrong, huh?" Carter cooed as he picked her up. "Want a midnight bubba?"

The baby only wailed some more

"Ok, a bubba it is."

Carter carried Arianne down to the kitchen, and turned the overhead lights on to the dimmest setting. Gently bouncing her, he got a pre-made bottle out of the refrigerator, and popped it in to the microwave. 

"Hush, little baby don't say a word…" Carter sang while waiting for the beeping of the microwave.

While he was singing, his eyes caught the clock above the stove. When the time of 1:29 registered, he stopped singing. This was the day that he feared. It was Susan and his first anniversary, but she was there. 

The beep beeping of the microwave interrupted his rather grim thoughts. He shifted Arianne to his shoulders and tested the bottle on the inside of his wrist. Finding it to his satisfaction, he walked into the living room. When he sat down on the couch, he turned on the light, revealing a small room, the walls filled with pictures from the Carter's life. Gently moving Arianne, Carter began to feed her.

After a few moments like that, John Carter got up and walked over to the pictures.

"Hey Arianne, I think its time you met some people."

With that he walked about with his darling baby girl, showing her the pictures of her mother and fathers friends from work, their wedding pictures, and Carters personal favorite. It was a picture of a very pregnant Susan, and John had his strong and sure arms wrapped around her huge belly.

"That's your mommy, Arianne. That's all of us together when were a family. Heaven knows how much I wish you could have a mommy, but I guess she was just too good for Earth. She's an angel now, singing a sweet lullaby to you whenever you need one." Carter was almost in tears talking about his dead wife, who their wonderful Arianne would never know, except in dreams and in pictures

Seeing that his baby was sound asleep, he shut off the light in the living room. He then went to throw away the bottles liner and shut off the light. Taking ginger steps, he slowing climbed the stairs. Walking half way down the hall and taking a right, he was in the baby's room. Laying Arianne down in her crib, she seemed to shrink a bit. 

For a few moments he just stared at her, remembering his wife, her mother. The birth was normal; that was until Arianne's umbilical cord got caught around her little neck. Susan was rushed in to the OR to have an emergency C-section. They got Arianne out safe and sound, but there was something wrong with her mother. He then recalled holding her in the nursery, just the two of them, father and daughter. It was then the doctor came in, bearing the bad news. He was now a widower and his wonderful newborn, a motherless baby. 

The days had blurred by, and now here he was. His life was torn, but not severed. Arianne was his connection to Susan. She had her mommy's eyes and her mommy's smile, and that was enough for John Carter. As he walked away and went into his own room, and lied on his own side of the bed, he could have sworn he was being followed. Just before he surrendered to sleep, he rolled over, his face in the middle of the bed. On this forehead, he felt a light kiss, and he knew who it was. It was his one and only true love.


	2. The Test Comes Back

Disclaimer: Same as before

Authors Notes: This takes place before the last chapter

Susan Lewis-Carter waited with bated breath. She was camped out by the phone all day long. Waiting for the call that would change her and her husband's life forever, the call that would reveal if she was pregnant or not. She feared that if she moved from the phone the call would never come. 

A bit after 5, the call came. Susan could only say "O.K." faster and faster as her trusted doctor told her the results. 

The simple blood test came back positive. She was going to be a mommy. 

"Wow, that was fast!" Susan muttered to herself, referring to the fact that her and John had been married only a month.

Dancing around her and her husband's room, which was where she was waiting all day Susan hugged her tummy and just let out a giggle of 100% joy. Then her thoughts went to John. She wondered how she would tell him. It wasn't like she'd done this before. Finally, collapsing on to her side of the California King sized bed an idea stuck her. 

Hurrying down the steps the pregnant Susan laughed and sighed as she looked down at her tummy. With a quick squeeze, she grabbed the car keys and headed over to the market to make a very special dinner for the daddy to be. Her mind was racing about everything. She wanted to just go and yell on a mountaintop that she was going to have a baby. 

She quickly got the things that were necessary for this most joyous dinner, since John was to be home by 7:15 and it was already 5:45. Susan almost ran down the aisles, and came close to wiping out an old lady in the canned goods section. After a quick apology, Susan was off again. Making her way to the checkout, she ran into Dr. Chen. 

"Hi, Susan. How are you?"

"On cloud nine!"

"What happened?"

"Can we talk about this later? I really need to get back home. I'm so sorry for leaving like this, but it's kinda urgent."

"No, no. Hey, if you gotta take care of something, then go and take care of them."

With that Susan checked out of the market. The paper bag was heavy, but nothing too bad. Taking her groceries to the little neon, she put the bag in the passengers seat, and headed back to the home front. 

"Chloe, I need you now, you and little Suzi." Susan whispered to her self at a stoplight. 

She made it back home at 6:15 and hurried to make the dinner. First she took the pre-made BABY back ribs and but them in the oven, since they would take the longest to make. Next she got out the fresh BABY corn and sucked them. After they were clean, she put them into a pot of hot water to let them boil. Next she scrubbed the BABY potatoes and put them in the microwave to cook. 

By 7 all the food was cooked to perfection. She set up the two plates. Susan used a BABY blue tablecloth and used china that had BABY pink flowers on it. She turned the lights to dim and lit the candles as the door opened.


	3. Dinner for ?

Disclaimer: See the 1st Chapter

Author's Note: Please keep r&r-ing! This is a continuation of the previous chapter. I hope you all like it. Spoilers for season 8, fyi.

"Hey, babe, what's all this?" John Carter asked as he was setting down his things he brought home with him from the hospital.

"What, it's not like I never cook." his wife Susan replied

With that John shot her a look of yeah-right-but-I'll-let-it go. After he took off his tie and threw it on the sofa in the family room, he went in to the kitchen. Taking his seat across from where Susan normally sat, Carter looked at the special food. Susan hung up her pretty yellow-checkered apron and joined her new husband.

"Notice a theme in the food, babe?" she asked

"Not really, am I supposed to?"

"Well think about it."

John looked around at everything for a few moments and then the light bulb went on behind those glorious eyes. 

"We're gonna be parents?!" Carter exclaimed

"I just found out this morning. Isn't this crazy? I wanted babies, but this soon…"

John just laughed. He was going to be a daddy. The idea of Susan and him being a real family and raising a child was one of reality now. 

"So it's dinner for three then, my dear?" Carter added, still with a bit of laugh in his voice

Susan just smiled at shook her head. He was going to be such a good dad. He himself was just a big kid trapped in an attending's body. Come to think of it, she knew him when he still WAS a kid; a fresh med student who wanted to be a surgeon. When she came back to the ER, she fell in love with him. He was still the John Carter she had been in love with before, now older, and a bit wiser.

Dinner was eaten with haste, because they had other things on their mind. Once they had eaten, the parents-to-be washed the dishes and put them away in the diner style kitchen. After that, they went into the living room and sat on the couch. Soon they were wrapped in each other's arms overjoyed that they were going to be a family.

"John, do you want a baby girl, or baby boy?"

"Honestly, I want a baby girl. But a baby boy is just a wonderful."

"So if we do have a boy, is he going to be John T. Carter IV?"

"No way, that name is going to stop right now. John as a middle name is nice, though. How about you?"

"I've always loved Arianne as a girls name. I don't want to know what we're having though, babe. Life only has a few surprises and I don't want to spoil this one."

"I know what you mean. You know I love ya, right?"

"Every second of everyday."

John Carter leaned down to his wife's tummy and hummed a lullaby. Susan thought it sounded like the Cradle Song, but she wasn't sure. All she knew was that it was adorable, daddy and baby bonding.

"Hey John, want to do this upstairs? I'm kinda tired. I was a nervous wreak today waiting for the test to come back."

"Sounds even better." 

John got up and then helped his bride up off the sofa. Arms around each other, they climbed the flight of steps up to their bedroom, Mommy, Daddy, and baby. 


	4. We Did It

Disclaimer: Same as before….

Author's note: Thanks for all the r&r-ing! Please tell me what you think of this story. I don't know if what goes on its accurate, being that I don't have any babies of my own. So please forgive me if the description isn't right on.

A very pregnant Susan Lewis-Carter woke up in her husbands strong and sure arms.  Slowly she got up, trying to wake her sleeping John. Making her way to the Peter Cottontail nursery that she and John had just finished a week earlier, Susan let her mind wander to the thought of her baby.

"Hi, in there! I'm your mommy, but I guess that you know that. Daddy and me love you so much, and can't wait to see you. It won't be long now 'til you make your grand debut. So are you going to be a Joshua John or an Arianne Grace?"

"I'm tellin' you babe, our baby is going to be an Arianne." John sleep deepened voice said from the hall. 

"I dunno. I can't wait though, all three of us together. It's going to be our own slice of heaven."

"Yeah, it sure will be." John said, now behind Susan, rubbing her shoulders

Susan started to hum the lullaby that she wrote for her baby. It was simple, but heartfelt. To her, it seemed it was the least she could do. John started to hum too, and by the time the song ended their baby kicked, as if it was demanding an encore, so the to-be parents obliged.

"Hey, babe. Do you want some breakfast?" John asked when they were done

"Ummm… sure, just an egg and a English muffin."

"Coming right up. Are you going to come down?"

"Yeah, in a sec." Susan said, patting her enlarged tummy

John headed out of the nursery and down into the kitchen. He got the eggs out and stared to poach them, because that was the only way his wife could stand to eat them. Just as he was slicing the English muffins, he heard Susan's cry.

"John! My water just broke!"

He turned off the stove as he raced up to his wife. When he found her, she was leaning over, hanging on to the door fame, puddle of waters around her slipped feet. He then put his arms under Susan's. Helping her to their room, John's mind was racing. This was it! This would be the day he would become a father. 

"Babe, you wait right here, I'm gonna throw the bag in the jeep, ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just hurry!" Susan yelled, for she was in the middle of a very painful contraction. 

So John was off, carrying the yellow canvas duffle, packed in anticipation of this momentous day. Susan, on the other hand was frantic. She tried to do her Lamaze, but when a contraction hit; she forgot to even breathe at all. Very gingerly she sat down on the bed, and fell backwards. She needed her sister now. She needed Chloe, but she was probably on a high now, and of no use to anyone. 

"I'm back, babe. Come on, we need to get you to the wonderful world of County General."

"John Carter! This is not the time for jokes!" Susan hissed, dealing with a very painful contraction. 

"Ok, ok. I get it. No jokes. But we had best be going, or this will be a home birth."

Susan took her husband's arm and he guided her to the waiting jeep outside.  When she sat down, John shut the door; he then jogged over to his door. Once he was in he started he put the key in the ignition and made the normally 15 drive into a 10 minute one. He then parked in the staff lot outside the main entrance. 

John jumped out of the jeep as Susan was opening her door. Her helped her down the single step and then shut the door behind her. He then went to the back part and got out the duffle. He walked over to his wife, and then together they made it into the hospital. Within minutes they were up in OB. 

The next three hours passed slowly and with each passing one, John became even more of a wreck. Susan wouldn't let him go out of the room, because she didn't want to be alone. The whole time they worked as a team. John some how knew exactly what to say at the right time, and Susan calmed all his fears, that was when her contractions didn't take her breath away. 

Then the beeping happened. Their baby was in distress. Susan's doctor was in there within seconds, along with a few nurses. With one look at the paper flowing from the monitor the doctor announced that Susan was in need of an immediate C-section. Susan became white with fear for her baby. John took her hand as the wheeled her down the hall.

"John, help me. I'm so scared. Our baby…"

"Shhhhh… don't worry, babe. I'll be with you the whole time. I love you and I love our baby."

The doctors placed Susan on the operating table and put an infusion of numbing meds into her IV bag. Then they covered the area and wiped her belly sown with icy iodine. 

"John…"

"Our baby is almost here. Don't worry."

The cut was made into Susan Carter's abdomen. With in minutes the latest add-on to the Carter clan was brought into the world. However, the baby had its cord wrapped around its neck. Once the cord was removed and cut, the baby girl was using her lungs for the first time. John went over to his baby girl as the nurses were helping each other clean the newborn up. 

"Hi, Arianne. It's daddy."

The nurses weighed, measured, and recorded everything that could be. John then accompanied the bassinet to the nursery. But not before he went back to Susan. 

"Arianne Grace Carter, safe and sound. I'm so proud of you, babe. I love you." John then kissed her gently on the forehead, and was rewarded with a soft smile 

"We did it, babe. We're finally a family now. We did it."

"I am going to go with Arianne, ok? I'll see you in a few moments. I love you so much, you know that, right?"

"Every second of everyday."

With that John left his wife, who was being prepared sewn up. In the hallway to the nursery, John couldn't keep his eyes of the baby, the baby that he and his wife made, together. He had instantly fallen in love with Arianne, and never wanted to let her out of his sight. 

"Is this what fatherhood is like?" he thought "Now I know why those parents didn't want to leave their kids in the trauma room."

Once Arianne was checked over again, her daddy was allowed to hold her. She had her mom's features, but her dad's hair. Sitting down in a rocker, John sang Susan's lullaby to his daughter. She was perfect in every respect.

"You know missy, you gave us quite a scare."

It was then Dr. Coburn came through the swinging doors, and walked to John and Arianne…


	5. Shattered Dream

Disclaimer: Same as all the past chapters

Author's Note: thanks for all the reviews. This chapter will have very limited carby, if you could even all it carby, it more like…well you'll see. Again a bit of season 8 spoilers, I don't know if they have been shown overseas yet.

"John, I hate to be the bearer of bad news." Dr. Coburn began "But Susan had a blood clot from in her lung. We think it was a reaction to the pain medication that we put in her. We've been working on her for the past forty-five minutes, but her body couldn't take the stress of it all, and she just shut down. I'm so sorry John."

"She, she what?"

"Do you need me to call anyone?"

John's mind raced. Susan was dead. His lovely, perfect wife died, and in the same way Lucy did. He hated the whole world now. No, he hated himself, for leaving Susan when she needed him.

"John?"

"Umm… yeah. Abby…."

"Ok, I'll get her."

John laid Arianne down in her bassinet, all snuggled in a soft pink blanket. Carter thought that Susan and his little miracle, took her mommy's place in the world. She was totally oblivious to the fact that she was going to be raised by just a father, and perhaps a stepmother, but she would never know the love that only Susan Carter could provide. It was the love that had saved him in more ways than one. 

Slowly walking back to the wall, Carter began to cry. He allowed himself to sink down the wall, and rest on his heals. The thought this was ironic, because when Susan came back to County, that was how she first saw him. It seemed to him that his life was becoming one ironic incident after another. One cruel joke that never ended.

*****DOWN IN THE ER*****

"Abby! I need to find Abby." Dr. Coburn said to desk clerk

"Why is it an emergency?"

"Yes it is!"

"Dr. Kovac? Do you know where Abby is?" the desk clerk asked the handsome doctor who was walking past them

"Yeah, exam three. Is there something wrong?" he asked in his wonderfully think accent

"Yes, please get her."

Luka ran off to go and get Abby.  Within seconds he returned with her. 

"Abby, John asked for you."

"What's wrong?"

"Susan didn't make it."

Luka just bowed his head, and murmured something in Croatian

"She died?"

Dr. Coburn just shook her head.

"Chuny can you come with me?" Abby asked

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I'll explain on the way up to OB."

The trio of women ran up four flights of steps, since the elevators where acting up. Abby told Chuny the bad news, and in response she said that she would be with the baby while Abby was with recently widowed Carter. The walk seemed to go on forever, mainly because when they reached their destination, two lives would be forever altered.

When the got into the nursery, they saw John leaning on the wall and his heels, head in his knees, crying. Chuny and Abby thanked Dr. Coburn and the made their way over to their friend. Abby got down on her knees right next to her former lover, and gently pulled him close to her. He cried on her shoulder, and they stayed like until Carter couldn't cry anymore. The whole time Abby said nothing, she just rocked him and told him that everything would work out. 

During this time Chuny took Arianne out of her bassinet and held her. 

"Hello, you sweet thing."

Baby Arianne just cooed back but Chuny could have sworn that the newborn smiled at her. The nurse then made her way over to a vacant rocker and just held the baby, comforting Arianne and her own way.

"If you ever need someone, I'll be there for you." Chuny vowed "Anything ever. You have my word."


	6. We Are A Family

Disclaimer: Same as always

Author's Note: This is the end of "In Dreams and In Pictures." However, I might do a short epilogue depending on the reviews that I receive. I hope you have enjoyed the story thus far. 

"Arianne? What are you doing up this late?" Her father gently probed as he came in the door at 3:30 am, just off a shift at County

His daughter was sitting on the arm of the sofa, looking at the only family picture that the Carter's had. 

"Thinking about Mama. That's all." fifteen-year-old Arianne answered

"You'd best be getting up to bed. You have to get up in a few hours."

Carter sat his things down on the chair by the front door, and walked over to his daughter. She had never asked him about her mother, but he did know that she asked Chuny about her.

"You know, Poppa, I've been giving it a lot of thought. I think I know what Momma is doing now."

"What is she doing?" her father asked

"Well she is sitting on a wooden yard swing, with Ella's poppa and your med student Lucy."

Carter gulped and tried to hold back the river of tears that was forming in his eyes.

"They are looking out on a field of golden long grass, drinking Mai Tai's and remembering all the good times they had with all of us. Then when the sun goes down, Momma comes to me, and every night she sits on the edge of my bed. She'll sing this lullaby to me and stoke my hair, until I fall asleep."

"You see her at night?"

"Every night since I can remember. When she's with me, all my fears melt away, and I fell all warm and safe."

This just sent Carter over the edge, and the tears started to flow. He cried for Arianne; he cried for Ella, Rachel, Jen and Elizabeth; and he cried for Lucy's family; and he cried for himself. Three people that should still be living were gone, and he couldn't have saved a single one of them. In fact, Lucy died because he didn't listen to her and Susan was dead because she had his baby. The pain of dealing with that guilt had made his eyes look much older than they really were.

"Poppa, oh Poppa, I'm so sorry for making you cry."

"Don't be. I feel your momma too. Every night, she gives me a kiss on my forehead. Every night for the past fifteen years."

Arianne and John Carter were up until past dawn talking about Susan. During those few hours Arianne felt that she now had an idea about who here mother truly was. She loved her job, her life, and her baby. Susan was a person who loved her job, even though at times she said that she despised it. Carter told his daughter about how grateful that she was alive today, because he could have lost Arianne along with Susan.  He then realized that his baby was becoming a young woman, who needed something to tie her to her mother. 

"I think you should have something."

"What, Poppa?"

"It's upstairs."

John got up and Arianne followed her father up the steps into his bedroom. He then walked over to his wife's jewelry box. Gingerly he took it over to the bed were Arianne was sitting. Taking a spot next to her, he opened the carved, wooden box.

"If you want to, you can take something to have."

Arianne looked through the many earrings, bracelets, and necklaces. Finally she saw one that she loved. 

"I'd like this one." Arianne said, while pulling a sliver chain with a flower formed from little pearls. 

"Ahh… yes. This is the first gift that I bought for you mother."

"It's so pretty."

"She thought so too. Now, what if I call the school, and say that you're sick and we spend the day together?"

"Sure, Poppa, that sounds great."

John Carter walked out of the room and down the kitchen. Arianne put the necklace on, and looked out the window. She saw a mom getting her child off to the school bus. Then it hit her. John, Susan, and Arianne Carter were a family. Just one that existed in dreams and in pictures.

  
  



	7. Always and Forever

Disclaimer: Go back to Chapter One.

Author's Note: This is an epilogue to the story. It's set up differently though.

Dearest Mother,

Well today was my birthday, and that makes eighteen years since you left this earth. I'm sitting out in the living room, in the chair that faces the wall with Poppa and mine's favorite picture. I sit out here every night; just wondering about you and me and what it would be like if you were here. Poppa has only caught me once down here, and that was a few years ago. I've never taken off that necklace he gave me that day. It's my tangible link to you, just like I am to Poppa. 

Everyone at County think that I look just like you. They say that my eyes, and my nose and my mouth are all like yours. The only thing, they tell me, that makes me not your twin is the fact that I have Poppa's dark, thick hair. Dr. Weaver told me once that I have your stubbornness. She told me it was your stubbornness that was the quality that she most admired in you. 

Graduation is tomorrow, and I'm graduating valedictorian. My speech is going to be about you. I'm going to talk all about how one event in your life can change it forever. Like when you married Poppa, and when I was born. Only Chuny had heard the speech, and she said that it put into words what all of us have been feeling for the past eighteen years. When I walk across that stage, I know that you'll be with me, because you're always with me. 

Chuny has become sort of a mother figure for me. She is someone that I can go to no matter what, and she won't judge me. If I need to talk to a woman about something, I know that I can go to her. She, Abby, who did end up marrying Luka, Deb and Elizabeth, will sometimes invite me to go out clubbing with them. It's like with all of us there, you can be there too. They will tell stories about all the things that you did, and some of them I'm amazed at. 

Ella has become a very dear friend to me too. She's twenty-five now, and is getting married this winter. We talk about you and her poppa and what you two might be doing with Lucy at any given point. The both us losing a parent before we could make any memories of them is the bond that holds us together the tightest. My favorite is all of you sitting on the swing looking out on to the field of golden grass, drinking Mai Tai's, and talking about all of us. She asked me to be her maid of honor, and in a few weeks, we are going to go shopping for her wedding gown. 

I'm starting pre-med at Harvard this fall. I want to go into emergency pediatrics. When I told Poppa, he just started to laugh. I asked him why, and he told me all about Doug Ross. I promise you that I will not do anything that he pulled, ever. I wish I could have been there to see all of that. Maybe I can do my internship at County. That's were Poppa did his, and he turned out fine. If I recall correctly, you were the one who help teach her, along with Ella's poppa. If I'm lucky, maybe I can get a job in the ER. If I did, wonder if Poppa will become John and I get called Carter. 

The clock just chimed out four-thirty, which means that I've been down here for three hours now. The time just seems fly by with warp speed when I think about you. Thinking about you is what keeps me going sometimes. Every night I'm thankful that you come and sing that lullaby to me. It always calms my nerves and gives me courage to face the coming day. When you stroke my hair, it's when I feel the most human, the most alive. 

Always and forever,

Arianne Grace


End file.
